Luna

Luna the dog, named after a very important character from the greatest book series, possibly ever written, is a very nervous puppy. She does this "submissive pee" thing where anytime she's anxious, overly excited, overwhelmed, or, usually the case, a combination of the three, she piddles on the floor/your lap/the bed/ couch. "Who's a good puppy?" said in that really high-pitched baby Yoda voice, is just one odd example of how easily brought on said peeing is.

Six people, three of whom had a cocktail over dinner, in a small living room will also result in Luna's nervous peeing, although, as experienced, this particular night did not simply stop at "piddling", but rather "pissing EVERYWHERE", as I so eloquently put it at 2 in the morning while trying to explain where I had been for the last hour and a half.

Luna is not my dog, so why I sat with her on the bathroom floor as we were both wrapped in dirty bath towels as the fireworks of neighbors bringing in the New Year went off and the rest of the party was down stairs celebrating, can probably be explained by the entire bottle of Pink Moscato I shared with... no one and the kinship she and I developed during this traumatic night for poor, nervous Luna. (That was a very long sentence, and as I re-read it and considered chopping it down....well, I decided to keep it). I'm not exactly sure, though, why I felt it necessary to go on the Luna search in the first place.

Maybe it was because one of the 5 had already gone up to bed and the other 4 were lovingly paired off. (I typically don't have an issue with the third/fifth wheel thing, but on this particular night, which just so happened to be THE holiday (New Years- I said that because, it really isn't just a national holiday, it's the entire world), and I was feeling especially wallow-y and self-pity-y.) What sucks is that New Years day is my best friend's birthday, not that that sucks in itself, but it puts a lot of pressure to make the day/night even more special for her considering it's the beginning of a whole new year and all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with that. So once I was satisfied and reassured by the birthday girl that this year didn't completely suck (and was actually the best year yet, as she later told me), my best friend duties were complete and I could relax and enjoy my night knowing that she was happy. The problems were, as aforementioned, I was left out of the couples loop, and stupid Luna went missing again and was probably peeing on something.

3...2...1. Ball Drops. Happy New Year. Happy Birthday, Soulmate. Chug the Moscato (in a very classy way, by holding both the bottle and plastic champagne flute in either hand and drinking and pouring as the glass empties). "Shit, where's Luna". Knock the pet gate for the stairs over in a loud crash. Discover Luna shaking under the bed. Slam all the other bedroom doors so she doesn't make a run for it and hide under a different bed. Staring contest with Luna, willing her telepathically to come out from under there and to stop peeing on the floor.

I did one of those cartoon-y hands on the hip, pointed finger of shame, cocked eyebrow thing, whilst saying (possibly in my head), "There you are you little stinker, you" or something along those lines. Every time I tried to grab her to pull her out she peed a little more and crawled further into the depths that were the dark under-the-bed stuff. Finally, after what felt like a very long time, I was exasperated and drunk and I laid on my stomach and decided that this was the night that Luna and I would really get to know each other. After all, we had only met a few times and although we clicked immediately and shared several nights of spooning and a few peeing experiences, we hadn't really had that "moment" where you just know you'll be friends with someone for the rest of your lives. That is, until that night.

In my drunken state, which was getting worse by the minute as the cocktails from dinner, the pre-New Year Mimosa , and the Moscato after were all beginning to catch up to me, I said to Luna, "I know exactly how you feel, man" ('Man' and 'dude' are my drunk, really-deep-philosophical-conversation words, I've discovered). And from there we discussed everything from politics, new movie releases, to life and finally heart-break. "You and I know what it's like to completely put ourselves out there, dude, and just... ya know, man. ya know?"

We (I) shook our (my) head(s) and our (my) loss of dignity during this conversation. I hadn't even realized, probably due to the profundity and depth of the talk, that Luna had slowly scooted out from under the bed out into the open (which, at the time, I thought was a metaphor for her overcoming her fear and facing the real world). I (overly) excitedly grabbed Luna and held her like a new born baby seeing the world for the first time. "You are so brave, Luna, and I admire you so much!" Then she peed on me. Then fireworks outside went off and that's when she PISSED EVERYWHERE. (that bitch). I shuffled her into the bathroom and wrapped her up in a towel and draped another over my shoulders. There we sat, on that cold tile, for (maybe) a really long time. As I held and comforted poor, scared, and piss-smelling Luna, I realized something: I was not nearly drunk enough to deal with piss on the floor. So I, very begrudgingly, left Luna in that bathroom and hurried downstairs. I conversed a bit with the pairs. When the conversation turned to why I was alone on this day and why I needed a man to feel good about ...blah blah blah...I finished off another bottle of champagne and went back upstairs.

Despite the humor and stupidity of it all, I did realize some important things from this night. Like how much alike Luna and I are. Except that I don't pee everywhere I go. And I don't shake when I'm nervous. And I don't get nervous about everything. And I don't have an underbite.
I also learned that..fuck... I didn't really learn anything other than to share your wine with others.

Long story short, I butted-in on a webcam photo shoot of one of the couples who had made it up to bed, interrupted the other couple's make-out session after meandering back downstairs fucking yet again looking for more wine, took a long hot, sitting-down shower where I only conditioned my hair, tested out my best friend's electric razor on my arm hair, quoted 20 minutes of "Pretty Woman" (flawlessly), and subsequently was told to "leave the acting to the actors", discussed (also in a very profound and intelligent way) the universe, high school teachers, love, my numb face, and poor Luna, and finally (FINALLY) I fell asleep watching re-runs of 'The Office'.

So, how was your New Year's?