A Vivid Dream

I walked a long way; it took me a significant amount of time and effort to get there. I walked down long paved roads, and finally I cut down an overgrown path that led me into a patch of rich woods. It wasn’t too dense, though;  sunlight peeked through the leaves. I finally stepped in front of a low-hanging tree branch and looked out at what was on the other side of the woods. I saw a large, 5 or 6 story modern-looking building to my left. It looked like one of the newer ones on campus downtown. There was a long sidewalk the lead from that building to the one directly in front of where I was crouched down. Cars were neatly parked out front, and a wider pathway lead from the sidewalk, under a long awning, and into the taller, newer-looking building. 

Through the window of a dark colored car, between the front bumper of another and an out-of-focus campus sign, I saw him. He was the third person I saw about to enter the building of classrooms. The two others before him were talking and had already headed in through the doors. I saw them from the corner of my eye. He was smoking a cigarette, but doing so timidly, as he had never been much of a tough guy when no one was looking. He seemed tense, his gaze was at nothing in particular and he was in deep thought. 

He flicked the butt of the cigarette away as a group of 4 or 5 peers acknowledged him. He waved and his face went from a look of a complexity to a soft, but wide smile. He joined the pack of the others and the group started toward the awning. 

I became self-aware. I noticed my breathing. I could hear my heart beating. As my thoughts floated upward like thought bubbles in a cartoon, he looked over his shoulder. He wouldn’t have seen me in that short time he turned his head, as I was probably about 100 feet from where he was walking. I’m not sure what caused him to suddenly look back. I still wonder. 

I looked up at the sky when he glanced forward again and he continued on toward the door. Storm clouds were twirling overhead, and quickly. The grass grew a darker shade of green; the windows on the buildings reflected a cloudy dark gray. Despite being under the awning, which protected them from the rain that was about to surely begin, everyone in the group started running, all in different directions. It was slow, like the movies when something dramatic happens. It was only after they had run into the middle of the parking lot that the rain had commenced. 

My attention focused on close-ups of concerned faces. 

A raindrop disappeared into a puddle. 

A girl’s shoes hit the pavement and kicked up water. 

Then I saw him sprinting straight toward me. He wasn’t wet though, unlike the others, who were drenched and still running around, now aimlessly. He and I made eye contact. I crouched lower, pulling a leafy branch in front of my face. He called out from about 6 feet away, “You know I can see you, right?” I nodded, still behind the foliage. Then I popped my head out, my hair was wet. “I know,” I said. 

Then we were inside the building. Only it didn't house classrooms and lecture halls as I had thought. It looked like this car dealership I go to sometimes to get my oil changed. I saw some new models of cars on display as we walked in the door. We turned right, into a room with 3 couches, one on each wall to the left, right, and in front of us. We sat at the one to the right. There was a small end table in each corner. There were colorful magazines and a small lamp on one. 

I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them again, I was lying on the couch on my side, my legs extended, and my arms folded under me to prop my upper body up. He was sitting on a coffee table in front of me that hadn’t been there when we first walked in. 

I realized this had been the first time we saw each other since the day I told him it was over. Upon this realization, I began to cry. They were easy tears, ones that filled up in my eyes and dropped on my checks even without blinking. I gathered enough courage to look up at him. All I could say was, “I’m sorry" And his eyes were glimmering from wetness too. 

He pulled me closer, my head in that familiar spot nestled in his neck. He said back, “I know.” He hugged me for a while. It is so lovely to be held, I thought to myself. I had been so long that I had really been held. I felt warm. I felt loved. I felt like I was home. It was such an amazing feeling, and I didn’t want it to end. I snuggled in closer, still sobbing, this time much wilder and noisily. He was gently “shh”ing me. Which was okay with. 

Then something changed. The room felt smaller. Lights felt less white-like, less crisp, everything fuzzier. My eyes opened and I glanced around while still in his arms. The couch opposite of the one I was on was closer than I remembered. Suddenly he was sitting on it; the coffee table now gone. Then I collapsed into his loving lap. We sat that way for a while. The lights grew even dimmer, redder, warmer. 

Then he moved one of his hands to my hair. He caressed my head, ran fingers through my hair. It was nice to be touched so tenderly. His hand then moved to my breast. He fondled it, gently rubbed it. At that moment I was thinking both about how nice it was to be seduced, and also how uncomfortable it made me. 

This is weird, I said in my head. Why was I uncomfortable? What had changed? 

I squirmed. Lifted my head out of his neck and off his shoulder. His grasp tightened as I rejected the touching. I stayed that way for some time, still desiring being held, while also feeling smothered. 

Quietly and softly, the furniture faded away, and then the walls didn’t exist. All that was left in the room then was he and I as one unit, and my thoughts buzzing around our heads. My thoughts were loud; they were fast. They were crowding up the room.  It was as though we were surrounded by thick smoke, or driving through fog at night. He didn’t seem to take notice, but I couldn’t breathe or see, and I started to panic. 

Why don’t I want this, I thought. What am I doing? I pulled away quickly. I stood up in front of him. He was startled, his hands frozen where I had pushed them away to escape. I took one last look into his beautiful eyes. They looked sad. I’m sure mine did too. Then I turned toward where the new cars had been. The cars weren’t there. The cubicles, the tall walls, the clean carpet was gone. The dark, wooded area I walked through earlier was there instead. It looked the same; I could see the tree branch I hid behind. 

All that was different was that I couldn’t see the sunlight through the trees anymore.