A Vow.

I am going to try not to talk about my past relationships or my problems or mistakes or to complain or whine or worry for 2013. I am sick of analyzing and picking apart my life/choices/relationships. This is the year of feeling good. For real. Not worried about repercussions, or how it will look to others, or what it means down the road, or for me as a person. No more big oprah talks or doctor phil theories. I am just simply going to make decisions based on them making me feel good. That's it. It is a choice to be happy and I am choosing to be happy in 2013.

Because, despite our big talks and our coming to jesus moments, we still make the choices we would have made anyway, but maybe we're more aware they are mistakes and that, in turn, makes us feel guilty and crappy, when we are just fulfilling basic instinctive needs and wants, i.e. Happiness, closure, pleasure, lust.

I am sick of feeling guilty for just wanting happiness. I am not bound to anyone, I have no need to put myself and my needs on the back burner. I've done that f or 22 years. I want to know what it's like to just take what I want and, here’s the kicker, not have second thoughts.

So, I am going to Spain, because I choose to. I am going to Florida because I choose to. I am going to the grad program I choose. If I meet someone, it will be my choice if we have a relationship and my choice if we keep it that way or not. If I don't meet someone, that will also be my choice because I am choosing to be happy with myself.

So, it is not because of the new year, but a result of the events of the first few hours of this new year. I whined, I took pity on myself, I sad cried, I was lonely and wondered why no one texted/called. I did not appreciate what I had right in front of me. if I didn't want to be lonely, I didn't have to be, but I let that feeling win yet again. I talk about myself way too much, and I don't do enough listening and asking before I judge and wonder how I would do things differently. This is a backlash that's gone too far of being in a committed relationship for so long, and now I am in need of striking a balance between the two ways of life. So it's not just because it's a new year, a new day, or whatever, but I'm just glad it falls coincidentally on this day of realization, because it looks better on my calendar that way and I can better track my progress. Also I can call it my new year's resolution.