As the grads were lining up, I had my phone stuffed in my dress, mostly so I could find my family when the thousands of people exited the building all at the same time, but also partly because I felt somehow connected to the people who love and support me. I texted Abbie, I updated my Facebook status, but I knew I had made a huge mistake when I dialed my mom's number. The mistake wasn't that I had simply called her, but that I had called her while about to walk across the stage to graduate. She was already a lovely bundle of emotions, and I guess I hadn't realized I was as well.
"I'm nervous, Mommy," was all I said.
Despite being short with her the night before, calling her a "crazy person" multiple times, and not saying goodnight, I felt this huge wave of relief as my mom spoke to me on the phone in that moment.
"You're going to do great. I am so proud of you."
I didn't mean to cry, but my eyes just kept filling, and then emptying down my perfectly made-up face, and onto the name card I had in my hand.
I didn't want to walk, I considered several times leaving through the very welcoming doors right out into the streets of Grand Rapids. I almost avoided this entire thing, making it less real, possibly, that I was closing one of piece of my life, and about to open up another mysterious one.
Looking back, it's hard to say why exactly I was as emotional as I was. I think my main motivation was that I was just plain and vanilla lonely. In front of me in line was a tall, ginger man I'd never seen before, and behind me was some girl with dark brown hair, who sat down when we were supposed to stay standing, and when they announced that the "candidates receiving their Baccalaureate degrees" to please stand, she obviously didn't understand that mean Bachelor's Degree.. whatever.
I didn't know anyone around me. There was a familiar face here, a quick nod of acknowledgment there, but most of my time spent backstage before the ceremony was spent in my own head, not speaking to anyone. I realized that this was MY accomplishment. My victory. My day. I didn't need to be there with anyone, walking with anyone, sitting next to anyone. I just needed to look up into the crowd and see my mom wiping her eyes, my little cousins and brother waving frantically, and my soulmate and my brother, Nick, smiling at me.
For most of my life I had been this person who needed approval, validation, or permission. I constantly sought acknowledgment or for people to be in agreement with me and my decisions. When many relationships I had had fallen through, all around the same time, I became slowly aware that I can make choices, I can be my own person without being dependent on what others might say in response. I can live my dreams, seek what I need to, and live my life in the manner I want to, and I don't have to wait for a yes or no. This support I had desperately been searching for has never NOT been there, though. I realized that on Saturday, as I, the first in my family's generation, went to and graduated from college, the people who still remain in my life after questionable decisions, risky moves, and ups and downs, have always supported me, despite all those things. These are the people who I will never have to worry about leaving my side, or questioning my motives. These are the people who watched me shake the hands of my professors and deans, who saw as I made this incredible rite of passage from one chapter to the next.
So as I was standing in line looking through my phone, my aunt had texted me a picture of the stage. Her caption was, "Your stage awaits... You are surrounded by love." Then I turned off my phone, shoved it back into my dress, and walked on into a place filled with applause, hoots of joy, and I'm sure, many, many happy tears.
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