This sunny day marked the last time I will have stepped foot in a classroom at Grand Valley. So it's very interesting, the emotions that flooded me today.
I'll give you a run down:
Upon waking up this morning:
-"fuck this, I'm snoozing for another half hour"
-half hour later..."Shit! I still have Spanish homework to finish before the exam!"
-Rushed, pressed for time to get everything done.
-Oh yeah, I should probably shower today.
-Exhausted, despite not even staying up that late (only about 1:30). Granted, I had just worked a very stressful shift for 8.5 hours. Either way, it was odd that despite getting 6 hours of decent sleep, and despite having pulled many all-nighters in my day, I was dragging ass this morning.
-After finally getting in my car, having to run back up to the room and grab the book I forgot, getting back in the car, and just before I called Abbie, it dawned on me that this is the last day. Had a mini- freak out, but carried on.
Upon entering the classroom of doom just before the exam I did nothing to prepare for:
-"Uhhh, shit, I should have studied"
-LAST EXAM EVER, LAST EXAM EVER
While on the third of sixth page of the exam:
-A bit relieved, it's not so bad after all, She went easy on us, etc.
-"Tits, yeah! I've got this! Spanish is my bitch! Woooo!"
Page 3.5 of exam:
-"Shit, I should have studied"
Post Exam:
-HOLYSHITOMGI'MEFFINGDONE!
-again, relieved. It wasn't as bad as I made it out to be, should have studied more (or at all).
-Last time at GVSU I'm turning in an exam. Last time walking out of this building.
-....
-Suddenly, ACTUALLY aware that this is the last time...
Walking out of my favorite professor/lab coordinator/mentor/advisor/friend's office, after he helped me sort out feeling scared, and uncertain, and broken, and lacking confidence, and telling me that he is proud of me and my accomplishments, noted that I have nothing to worry about because I am a competitive candidate, I have a lot going for me, and that he thinks I will do great no matter what I choose to do, and that he would more than happily write me awesome letters of recommendation for whatever program/school I choose to go to, and after I witnessed him getting (jokingly) sexually harassed by another favorite professor of mine, and after he thanked me for everything and gave me a huge hug:
-Someone is proud of me
-Excited
-Couldn't help but smile a huge, stupid smile and silently laugh to myself when the smile couldn't be contained
-So relieved and more self-confident than I've ever felt in my life
-Accomplished
-HOLYSHIT
While walking to my car, on a beautiful sunny day, on the last day of my final exams I'll ever have to take at Grand Valley, and while reminiscing and playing a stupid montage in my head of memories of Grand Valley, to the theme song of 'The Office':
-God, I love 'The Office'
-Shock, I think.
-I. am. really. done.
In the car on the way back:
-"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry"
-.....
-"CRY IT OUT, GIRL!" and I fucking bawled.
-Lonely. The loneliest I have honestly ever felt in my entire life. After such an amazing interaction with such an inspiring person who showed me that I have a lot to be proud of, I wanted to shout to the world how happy and accomplished I felt. How I finally had someone to vouch for me, who appreciated my hard work and dedication. But, instead of shouting, I drove back with the radio off. Down a road that I had so many times been on, with old friends, ex loves, and people that I don't even remember. I drove past places I had been with these people, people that are no longer in my life, people that don't know who I am anymore. I crossed intersections I had run across at 2 in the morning, bike trails I sweated on, sidewalks that were a safe haven to me on sleepless nights. As I left campus, I felt this wave of grief, this loss, a piece of me, but now less attached. And I did this alone. I traveled this path that I had, for 4 and a half years, traveled with someone else, and for the first time I was doing it by myself. I didn't have anyone to shout my excitement to. I didn't have anyone to share my feelings of loss, of accomplishment with. So, although I was on this lifted cloud, feeling so elated and so truly happy, I also felt that cloud sink with heaviness when I realized I was there all alone. I think I finally got what I wanted, but I had no one to share it with.
-Oh, the irony.
So, there it is, a little run down of my emotions and (crude) thoughts from throughout the day.
I'm currently still in shock, hasn't fully hit me yet. Avoiding memories. Wishing it was warmer outside. Heavy. but Free. Relieved.
So. Relieved.
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