I painted my nails an obnoxious shade of blue today. I know it sounds weird, but I had very hesitant and mixed feelings about choosing to even pack this particular shade, let alone wear it. This is the color that brought me out of a very dark place not too many months ago. This color of stupid and ridiculous nail polish was chosen at the store simply because I liked the name on the bottle. But for some reason, this blue reminded me of happy times, it let me escape for only a moment when I first saw it on the shelf, and has since, each time I wore it on my own hands. This "Fly Away" blue did indeed carry me in flight away from things not so pleasant.
I didn't want to use this color here in Spain as a reminder of happier times, or even as a reminder of needing a happy time at all, because I am in the happiest place in the world. Rather, this color now is a symbol of what I have overcome. It is a representation of how far I have come, and even further, how far I am able to go from here.
I have done so much while I've been here. I have touched the Mediterranean Sea, I have partied at one of the most wild parties in Europe, I have allowed myself to settle in and accept this beautiful city as my own. My classes have been finalized, I have semi- found my way around the Hogwarts that is our university building. Looking back, it feels as though I have been here for months, when in reality it has only been just 2 weeks. I love everything about the experience that has presented itself to me. Spain could not have come at a better time in my life. This is the place that I am trying to find myself in- which is funny that I had to travel an ocean away to search for my identity.
Anyway, with the news of my teacher passing away and not being home for familial support I wish I could partake in, I have had such conflicted feelings lately. While I am becoming more and more familiar and accustomed to life here in Spain, I feel further and further away from home. The miles seem longer now, and the time difference greater. I don't miss home itself anymore, but rather the memories themselves. I feel as though my memory capacity has only a limited amount of space, now of which I am attempting to fill with places and experiences from Spain, and all the while I am forgetting the place that I come from.
One more piece that I am realizing about the person I am becoming is that I have a very distinct ability to detach and reattach myself to places and people. I think I will always require a strong person and a tangible place in my life, but who and where these are doesn't matter much to me really. I am able to mold myself into the places I call home and with the people I interact with. This is not to say that I do not still have room for the places and the people I have left behind, but rather my vision only can see directly what is in front of me. It is becoming aware to me that this is both a blessing and a curse. I seek stability in my life, sometimes even desperately so, and yet I have this power to move myself around quite easily. I hope to sort out this conundrum while here in Spain as well.
As an ending note, I am staring down at my bright blue nails as I type these words. I am reminded both of very dark times, but also of very inspirational ones as well.
This is the color my nails were the night my family listened to my cries for help and when they could really feel my pain and understand it.
It was after this conversation that my mom demanded I take off what was left of the chipped paint and instead choose a warmer, cozier tone. I had told her I needed help appreciating myself, needed help pushing myself. Of course she knew that, of course my mom could see that I was breaking and that I needed anything to help me see that I wasn't completely shattered.
So my mother soaked a cotton ball in the polish remover and grabbed my hand herself and began to rub away this beautiful color that represented such a sad experience.
It was after this conversation that my mom demanded I take off what was left of the chipped paint and instead choose a warmer, cozier tone. I had told her I needed help appreciating myself, needed help pushing myself. Of course she knew that, of course my mom could see that I was breaking and that I needed anything to help me see that I wasn't completely shattered.
So my mother soaked a cotton ball in the polish remover and grabbed my hand herself and began to rub away this beautiful color that represented such a sad experience.
And so today as I nervously twisted open the cap during my attempt to reinvent this color, I made a vow to myself: while I wear this polish, I cannot feel sadness, I cannot feel weakness. This shade of blue will prove that happy moments do in fact exist and that I am a strong person for knowing that. "Fly Away" is the color that I have chosen to accompany me on this grand adventure I have ahead.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It is always unfortunate when somebody you respected passes away, and I know how much worse it can be to not be able to attend the funeral.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is great that you feel like you are finding yourself in Spain – sometimes we need to go great distances just to find ourselves. I don’t think you need to worry about forgetting or giving up room for your hometown though, or the people there that you love. While life’s journeys may take you to far off places and the lessons may be ones that you could never learn at home, there is always something to be said of coming home.
If I may make a novel suggestion – I think you would really enjoy Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist at this juncture in your life. I’m not sure if you’ve already read it or not, but it really helped me put things in perspective when I was having an existential crisis of sorts.
The idea of having something concrete to remind you to be happy and to stay strong is also lovely. The idea of “Fly Away” blue really speaks to me. I have a harmonica that I keep on my writing desk that I play whenever I feel down. It keeps me strong and reminds me of all the good things that I have associated with it.
I hope you continue to have a wonderful journey, and that you continue to trust your gut. You look incredibly happy in your picture, and that is a wondrous thing to have.
Remember to never stop living and never stop dreaming. In the words of Chuck Palahniuk, “We’ll never be as young as we are tonight.”