I want to stand at the top of the Giralda and scream to the world and share the pure, shiney happiness that I feel.
This is how I feel:
Bring it on, World, show me what you've got. I can handle it.
It sounds so corny and cliché, but despite the minor things, the small, petty day-to-day shit that makes me irritated for half a second, I am finally, for the first time in a VERY long and grueling time, content in my life and my choices. This truly means a lot and much effort is needed to think this thought of contentment, let alone to say it in words. I have come so far to be at this place. To be standing where I'm standing, experiencing the things I do each and every day.
Granted, I have made mistakes, I have lost friends, created enemies, burned bridges, and screwed up more times that I'd ever be willing to attempt to count. But never once in these last few months that I have set out to find myself have I missed opportunities or wasted moments I very well knew would be gone forever.
Instead, I have met some of the most fantastic, caring, and genuine people on this planet who are nice enough to call me a friend. (Shout out: Tahnee, Becky, Aaron). I have come to terms with the people who bid me ill will and who have turned their backs on me. I have blown out the flames of those torched bridges, and where they once stood, newer, stronger, better ones are beginning to take form. And for all those mistakes and screw-ups and misfortunes I have caused myself and others, I am now standing on sturdy enough ground to say with confidence that I am strong enough to move past them. I am able to admit my wrongdoings, to stand up and say out loud, "I DID SOME SHIT. OH, AND SORRY, BY THE WAY." And I will do what I can to make amends to those broken pieces that are scattered about in my life.
I get the stupidest smile on my face as I write this, when I think these thoughts. I HAVE COME SO FAR.
I am here. I am in the place. I am at that moment in my life where everything (nay, most things).... actually, no... Let me start that sentence over:
I am at that moment in my life where NOTHING makes sense, where I have no idea what will come at me next, but I am so damn excited that it makes me giddy inside. I have no idea where I will be going to school in the fall. I have no idea if I will be living in Chicago for the next 2 years (!!!!!) or if I will even make enough money this summer to afford an apartment even in the shittiest part of town. I don't know what I'm doing once I finish my program, or what I even want to be when I finally (if ever) "grow up".
Nothing is clear or cut or organized in any fashion whatsoever.
Where I used to think I was a very tidy, organized, rigid person, I am now someone whose clothes are strewn about, whose planner is full of cross-outs, and highlights, and sticky notes. I have fully adopted the Spanish lifestyle, and when I don't get my afternoon siesta, I could kill people. I'm rarely ever on time, so when I say, "See you at 4," it's likely that around 4:27 Tahnee is calling me as I'm jogging out of my house, still putting on my coat. "I'll be there in 2 minutes, I swear." (It takes about 11 minutes to get to our usual coffee place from my house).
I am now this chaotic, untamable, hot-mess of a person. Fuck, I even had bright pink hair for a few months. I love it.
Nothing is where is should be, which I am realizing now is this imaginary place that I fabricated in my head to be an impossible standard. Nothing should be anywhere.
Where it is, is simply where it is.
Throughout this whole process, one that has been struggling to find the motivation to begin for quite a long time, I have seen glimpses of this person I have become today. Little snippets, ones that went away just as quickly as they came. Now that I am this reborn person, I don't even remember what it was like to be as structured and pain-in-the-ass-like as I used to be.
For the first time in my life, I enjoy not having a plan.
Did you hear that, Abbie?
Did you hear that, Mom??
I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.
.....
(idonthaveaplan)
If it seems like I do, it's just because if I act like I've got it all together, you'll think I'm less crazy.
But I don't. And I love it. (and I'm also insane).
Also, here's a camel:
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